Hard weekend

I don't know what is wrong with Chad. We talked on the phone yesterday when he was at worked and he was so negative. Saying things like I should move back to Colorado to be with the girls, he doesn't know why we're going through with IVF since it isn't going to work anyway. Just purely negative stuff. I hate when he goes off his meds; he gets so depressed and dismal. He said he just isn't happy, he wants me to move back, he's tired of being broke, yadda yadda yadda. So many other people in our life see him as this happy go lucky kinda guy; if they only knew how depressed and sad he was most of the time. Its all just an act. And being off his meds doesn't do him any better. Although I am truly sad to be away from my girls, I am fine with being here and with our life right now. I don't know why he has to give up all the freakin' time. We're in transition and he truly needs to give it some time to settle down. He just scares me when he talks about breaking up. Its like his answer to every problem....geez!!

I think I may be ovulating....

So while that should probably come as no surprise, I am since it is so soon after losing the last pregnancy. This happened with my second loss, too and that's the month I got pregnant with Jessika. To be honest, I don't even want to try to get pregnant again without a doctor monitoring every second. I'm too afraid of losing more babies. It is so emotional and sad. I lose hope and faith with every one. Work is kicking my butt! I'm so sore and tired but I just keep my eyes on tomorrow. The girls are coming down next week for Thanksgiving. GOD I miss them so much every day!!! I swear I am going to throw my arms around them and never ever stop hugging them!!!

Temping and charting again

I decided this month to BBT and CPFM to get back in touch with my cycle. I have no idea what's been going on with me this year, but it has purely sucked! I'm sure a large part of the problem is stress, but hopefully in the next 3-4 months I can get back to being fairly regular. I learned today that the process leading up to the first IVF takes about 2 months. I didn't realize, and still don't actually, that there was such a preparatory period before actually doing it. I have a lot to learn about IVF. I'm doing a lot of research on the net about it and have some support boards that I've been reading to try and get up to speed and be as knowledgeable as possible before our first RE appointment. I am keeping my fingers crossed that one IVF will do the trick, but realistically, I know it probably won't. We have 3 IVF cycles paid for with our insurance. If that doesn't work, we'll have to come up with another plan. Chad isn't all that hopeful that it will work. He's a downer these days; he's so tired of losing babies. It makes him feel inadequate and like a failure. I do my best to encourage him, but its hard. I hope something positive happens soon with this TTC issue. It shouldn't be this hard....

Starting a new chapter

With our new insurance we will begin in-vitro fertilization. We had pretty much given up hope of ever getting this far because of the cost involved, but now that we have the coverage we have decided to give it a shot. I'm very nervous because of just having had my 5th miscarriage, but we really have nothing left to lose as far as I can tell. I am keeping my fingers crossed that we will have success. I am seeing my primary doctor on December 7th to get the referral to see Dr. Thompson, the infertility doctor. I've already filled out all the paperwork for him and requested the records from our prior doctor, so hopefully we will be all set to go in the New Year. Our New Year's Resolution: A BFP!!!!!